1. When you are sad – I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard/bitch that made you sad.
2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will get on at you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are confused – I will use little words.
6. When you are sick – stay away from me until you are well again! I don’t want whatever you have.