1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down; or preferably, put it back up when finished.
3. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = Sports.
5. Anything you wear is fine, really.
6. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
7. You have too many shoes & plenty of clothes.
8. Crying is not the answer. Crying is blackmail.
9. We’re not mind-readers. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
10. Mark anniversaries & birthdays on a calendar.
11. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
12. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
15. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
16. If you don’t dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
17. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.
18. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
19. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to appear.
20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell how you want it done – not both.
21. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.